You'll Wind Up in Some Factory

You'll wind up in some factory that's full time filth and nowhere left to go…


The above phrase danced through my MP3 player on a night a couple of years ago when I was trying to determine a path for my life.


I had been in a job I never cared for nearly 15 years. I tricked myself into thinking the good money (and it was), the good healthcare (it was great), and the chance for advancement were all things important to my family. I did not include me in the equation simply because my position in that building was me atoning for perceived past sins. The part of me that remained true to myself never spent time thinking of retirement. That part of me turned its back when certain promotions were offered when I saw the gains required of me to let go of ideas that were purely my own. It required of me to step on others. When a restructuring occurred that took a quarter of my pay away, changed the health package to one of the worst I have heard of, took away 50% of my earned time off and presented a production schedule that was based on forced overtime to get to the next layoff on time, I jumped ship.


This led to a two year journey of a return to school and getting a base level degree to go back to work. I hoped to find something more charitable, a heart payer. While my education still chugs on I have reached that first level goal, but have entered a job market that is truly a nightmare. Then the job I hoped for came along and I was lucky enough to gain an interview. It appears that I did not get the job. The shell that I was carrying around until I met my friend for a coffee a couple of weeks ago would have thought myself a failure, but the fact is the dream job exists and it will open again and I will try again.
The coffee I mentioned I thought would just be a pleasant outing, but it became quickly eye opening. I found out I was not alone, that we shared some situation in which we put on ourselves some pain or humiliation that we intuitively credited to someone else. As I listened to her I realized I was mistaken and so was she. Our transgressor had done nothing more, but be rude or arrogant. Showed his true colors when no witnesses were around and I and my friend internalized his actions and started the process of allowing it to get to us. Finding out you are not alone really isn’t a surprise, I think back and that epiphany comes again and again in my life.


I wasn’t alone in leaving college in my youth to pursue something that meant more to me. I started a music label. It was semi-successful, my partner and I after two years did not agree on directions and I left. The label went on through his efforts and following our original plan for another decade. I am not the first person to follow such a path. I counted my leaving originally as a failure. I look back now and I was true to myself. Shortly after leaving I met a girl and we dated, as I was about to leave she told me she was pregnant. I did what I considered was right and married her. We lived in misery until she slept with a mutual acquaintance seven years later effectively ending the marriage. In that time our son was still born due to doctors trying to make sure they met an insurance quota (yes, they do exist, I have the documentation). The marriage and my son’s death were two things I internalized as my fault and let them dictate a nearly decade long disappearance on my part. I meet people all the time with similar stories and reactions and realize again I am not alone. I had an active role in the outcome of the marriage, and in the birth I was a helpless bystander. I owe it to me to have learned from both.


I forgave someone. In that act they asked me to make some promises, which I thought was bold and arrogant on their part, but I agreed because I wanted to move on. I at that time made a second promise to myself that I would not be blindsided again by this person. The very promise that was asked showed me this was necessary. More and more signs popped up and I realized to keep the promise I must vacate the situation. Any distaste I held for the person, or any supposed trespass against me was all my doing. My coffee date showed me that.


So coffee lady (she had wine), I say openly to you. Being true to yourself first, is good for you, for your family (blood or engineered), and poison to villains. Failure I am seeing is a necessary tool in success. You and I my friend are never alone.